like the noonday

Seeking First

2012-01-10T16:32:00.001-08:00

“But what does this mean, what have I to do, or what sort of effort is it that can be said to seek or pursue the Kingdom of God? Shall I try to get a job suitable to my talents and powers in order thereby to exert an influence? No, thou shalt first seek God’s kingdom. Shall I then give all my fortune to the poor? No, thou shalt first seek God’s kingdom. Then shall I then go out to proclaim this teaching to the world? No, thou shalt first seek God’s kingdom. But then in a certain sense it is nothing I shall do. Yes, certainly, in a certain sense it is nothing; thou shalt in the deepest sense make thyself nothing, become nothing before God, learn to keep silent; in this silence is the beginning, which is, first to seek God’s kingdom.”

—Søren Kierkegaard

Summary of the last 5 days of my life

2011-10-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday Starana passed away...she was the younger sister of Stanley (in the prior post).

We started unloading supplies on Monday from the semi container that was shipped from Indiana. Last night I literally was dreaming about unloading and sorting boxes. I feel like I will be dreaming about banana boxes for a long freaking time.

Young love. This is Gerry and Matchia...they are children of two of the inpatients staying in the back of the clinic. They are both ridiculously cute and equally naughty.

Today we did some crafts and sports with some of the older kids from the Rescue Center.
Renald was hammin' it up...per usual.

Madelene making a necklace. Don't forget to sop that sucker with saliva!

Future Haitian soccer stars with some of the guys from the WA team.

Sequam with his big, precious smile.

Noel...one of my fave kids in the RC. Apparently purple is the new black.

And finally...we took a walk to the new land this afternoon so the team could check it out. We climbed to the highest point on the land...it is like ridiculously breathtaking up there.

More glimpses of our walk (I feel like the word "walk" does not properly communicate to you the mountain erosion that we scale on each "walk"...it's more like a hiketumbleclimbdrinklotsofwater)

The Journey of a Kwash Kid - part II

2011-10-15T16:24:00.000-07:00

If you didn't catch the first post on Kesline and Stanley you can read it here.

Kesline is looking GREAT! She moved from the critical care tent to the Rescue Center and is fitting in well with all the other kids. You can see on her belly that some of her old skin is peeling away. This happens often with kwash kids.

Stanley is finally looking like himself. For a few days this week he swelled up again and could barely see. We have no idea why he swelled again because he was eating well and finishing most of his Mamba each day. On Thursday he hung out in the office wit Lori, Licia and I. For some reason his body just decided to rid itself of a bunch of the built up fluids that day. He still is kwashy in his legs and feet.

Sometimes it is not good if a child loses water weight that quickly. Their organs just get all stressed out and out of whack (I know...my medical terminology is so eloquent) and they pass away. So far Stanley is doing well, but now is a very critical time for him. He now needs to start gaining healthy weight and we just wait and hope that his body will have the strength to do that.

You can see that his little collar bones are sticking out. He and Kesline had the same form of malnutrition which is Marasmic Kwashiorkor...which means they have kwash and when they swelling goes down they are very gaunt and have the typical "starving child" look.

He is still in the tent and will likely be there for a while longer.

Keep praying for both of these precious babies.

The Pain in Loving

2011-10-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

It seems a foolish waste of time to try to escape pain. It's around every corner I turn...my heart burns with the ache of my own prideful sin-ridden heart and the weight of the world's pain. To neglect it means I would have to become numb...to pain...and love.

It's easy to love deeply in Haiti...and hurt deeply too. Injustice, death, disease, selfishness...are all well known here.

Bitterness, isolation, numbness have been my weapons of choice in the history of my life. Often times it just seems way easier to tune it all out...to live in the fog of survival.

But bit by bit my heart has been breaking. It has been feeling deeper pains that I knew I had in order to heal and to love that much deeper.

I have chosen idols and swimming in my crap over my Father over and over...and yet He still calls me daughter and lets me call Him Abba. I would be living in my own disease, death, and selfishness if He had not called me out of that darkness.

I get to be messy and vulnerable because His love cannot be broken by my brokenness.

I want to love deeply and hurt deeply rather than live in isolation. I want to identify with my Savior...and learn how to love like He loves.

This is the thing...the desperation in Haiti is easy to see because so much of their poverty is a physical, material poverty. Yet, the whole world lives in the same poverty...a poverty of love, the love of the only true Love.

I cannot see others through this Love unless I have let my own heart be captivated by it...and feel it...really, truly feel it.

O' Father open the depths of our beings that we may see the hearts that ache to find a Love worth hurting for.

The Journey of a Kwash Kid

2011-10-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

Kwash sucks really really bad.

Basically Kwashiorkor happens because of a lack of protein in a child's diet. Many of our kids in the Rescue Center have Kwashiorkor and Marasmus (when they get really skinny) together which is the worst form of malnutrition that a child can get. Some kids suddenly lose all the protein from their diet and get kwash, but still have fat and muscle mass under the water weight.

The reason kids get Kwashiorkor is still "unknown", but it seems very likely that it is from a lack of protein in the child's diet. The child's organs, and kidneys in particular, begin to shut down and their body distributes the fluids starting in their feet. Our Kwash kids get high amounts of protein in their diet including Medika Mamba, a peanut butter fortified with vitamins.

Kesline when she was admitted. She is almost 2 years old and weighed 25lbs.

This is Kesline after losing her water weight. Her weight in this photo was 17lbs which means she lost a total of 8lbs of water. This is a very critical time for the child...this is often the time when we lose a lot of kids. I will keep you updated on her progress as the weeks go by.

Please be praying for Stanley. This is his second time in the Rescue Center and he came in really bad this past week. He has already been severely malnourished once and overcame mysterious seizures after the earthquake. Every time a child becomes severely malnourished their chances of survival go down.

This is his admittance photo. His face was so swollen that he had water leaking out of his eye lids. He is 4 years old and weighed 26lbs in this picture.

Stanley a few days later, his face is a little less swollen. The reason one side is more swollen is because that is the side he lays on and the water in his body will gravitate to the lowest point. Throughout the day the nannies switch the side that he lays on.

This is Stanley today. Finally recognizable...but he is definitely still feeling like crap. He was 24.5lbs as of Saturday.

I will continue to update you on these two precious little ones. Please post any questions you have.

Love you all.

The moun yo in my life: Claudette

2011-09-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Hello precious friends, I want to start introducing you to the people (moun yo) that are a part of my life here in Haiti. I hope that this will allow you to see Haiti as a country full of stories, tears, miracles, love, pain, hope...rather than an arid, rubble-filled land of desperation.

Please feel free to ask questions about the kids and people that I post about...and please keep them in your prayers.

Claudette:
Read past blog posts here, here, here, and here

Golly...this girl always makes me tear up. I was sitting on the porch of my house late the other night and could hear her and her sister Ti Rose talking and giggling in the tent in the clinic yard. (The tent houses all of the critical kids from the Rescue Center and the burn kids.)

I was here in late December when Claudette first came to the clinic. Her clothes had caught on fire from a kerosene lamp in the home of the old woman she cared for. She had to run to a neighbors house because the woman was too frail to help her. By the time she got there she had been burned raw from the backs of her knees all the way to just below her chest. I spent hours in the dressing room assisting Lori as she peeled off all of the burnt skin from Claudette's little body. She was really really bad...the burns on her thighs were circumferential (went all the way around her whole legs) and most of her burns were severe.

After those hours in the dressing room I went up to my room and bawled. The whole situation was just completely overwhelming.

She faced months of months of extreme pain and we weren't even sure if she would live. There was a very high chance she would get a bad infection and not be able to recover. Lori and Licia decided to keep her here rather than send her to a "hospital" in town. They have sent in burn patients before to get "better" care only to see them die.

This meant that Lori and Licia committed to doing dressing changes every day that sometimes took up to 3 hours. I think I helped the next day after she came in, but after that I just couldn't emotionally handle it. Claudette was on heavy pain meds, but that still did not take away all of the pain her little body was feeling.

Claudette's older half-sister Ti Rose came to stay with her for emotional support and to help care for her. We learned that Claudette's mother had died and her father had multiple other women in his life. One of his women needed someone to care for her bed-ridden mother so Claudette was sent to care for her and do all the house hold chores, fetch water, cook, etc. We are not sure if this was Ti Rose's grandma or not. I'm not sure what kind of relationship these two girls had before Ti Rose came to care for Claudette. There may have been jealousy...Ti Rose got to go to school and Claudette was forced to work for and care for this bedridden woman.

These months have changed their relationship forever. Their hearts have been bonded together through Claudette's pain. Claudette is always following around her big sister and Ti Rose is always looking out for her baby sister. I'm not sure what will happen when they have to go back home, but I know that forever and ever they will have an unbreakable bond.

The scars that remain on Claudette's body are terrible and beautiful. Her thighs are the only part of her body that are still open wounds from her burn. The skin on her stomach is thick and scaly. Her scars will forever be with her and will likely cause her more physical and emotional pain as she grows up. We wonder if her body be able to stretch to hold a baby someday.

She was using a walker to get around as of May...last Friday she went on a 5 mile hike in the mountains with us. Miracle.

I wish I could explain to you the precious personality and heart of Claudette. She seeps joy from the depths of her being despite the pain of losing her mother, being a child servant, suffering through the pain of 3rd degree burns on her body, and now bearing that scars of that.

I don't know what her future holds or if the world will rip away her joy by telling her she's maimed and unlovable, but I pray that she will always remember...how Lori and Licia cared for her day after day for months and months....that she will know deep in her soul that it was Jesus loving her, that in her life of suffering, He was always holding her and near to her and weeping over her. He knows her pain, He bears the scars of rejection and physical suffering too.

Tears & Fears

2011-09-12T17:27:00.000-07:00

I've been here nearly a month already and I'm beginning to accept that tears will be deeply a part of my life. There is no escaping pain and suffering in this world no matter if I live in Haiti or in the states...it's just a lot more evident here. The brokenness of this life is reflected in physical ways in Haiti.

In a quest for emotional survival in the past I have numbed my heart to pain. It was like I was shoving this big fatty cork into my heart to hoping to suffocate the pain and make it go away. I had been conditioned to try to find relief from my pain rather that to feel it. To numb it out with something. I think it's something that everyone in the world tries to do.

For so long I lived on this surface level...just kind of floating in the excrement of my life. I didn't allow my Father to search the depths of my heart because I was living in fear. In fear of what might be found...that I really was actually hard to love or even unlovable.

Then I asked the Lord to heal me. He started shaking me up...and soon the cork shot clear out of my sight. It hurt so bad to let all that crap bubble out...but soon my heart was beginning to be filled with my Abba rather than fear and bitterness.

The Lord began to soften my heart so I could feel that pain and so He could begin to heal me. He is true relief, true freedom. Now, I can stand amidst all this pain, personal pain and the burdens for the broken, and not feel numb. It feels really freaking good to be able to feel.

...and then the Lord makes space for Himself, so my heart will break for the things that break His, rather than just focusing on what hurts me. It seriously hurts sometimes to love people...but Christ's love and healing completely and utterly compels me to.

If I can't feel deep pain then I can't taste of the depths of true, uninhibited love.

"Here am I Father
Open me up
Show me what's inside
For inside my heart is pain
But inside my pain is joy"

Hosanna in the Highest

2011-09-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

"O God, be thou exalted over my possessions. Nothing of earth's treasures shall seem dear unto me if only Thou art glorified in my life. Be Thou exalted over my friendships.

I am determined that Thou shalt be above all, though I must stand deserted and alone in the midst of the earth. Be Thou exalted above my comforts. Though it mean the loss of bodily comforts and the carrying of heavy crosses I shall keep my vow made this day before Thee.

Be Thou exalted over my reputation. Make me ambitious to please Thee even if as a result I must sink into obscurity and my name be forgotten as a dream. Rise, O Lord, into Thy proper place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself.

Let me decrease that Thou mayest increase, let me sink that Thou mayest rise above.

Ride forth upon me as Thou didst ride into Jerusalem mounted upon the humble little beast, a colt, the foal of an ass, and let me hear the children cry to Thee, `Hosanna in the highest.'" -AW Tozer

Where the crap do I even start?

2011-08-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

I wish I could express to you all my heart has felt in the last 2 weeks (or every single moment I've ever been in Haiti for that matter). My heart constantly at peace...resting in my Father, knowing with all my heart that I am His, that He is ordering each step. There has also been deep pain. Mourning the reality of leaving dear friends and a college community and church community that my heart and life was/is deeply invested in. Deep pain remembering the reality of life for so many here.

It really has been really really really good to be here though. To finally be here and settle in and get used to Haiti life again.

It was super weird the first day or so driving around Port-au-Prince and then finding our way to Cazale. I felt like I had never left...it was like this weird twilight zone feeling wondering if the last 8 months in the states had in fact been real.

I don't think I could make it for very long here if I didn't have that time back home. Obviously it was important to finish my last semester of college (blah blah blah), but it was more important for the Lord to establish in my heart what He did. He established Himself deeper in me and it has satisfied the depths of me and made me crave more and more and more of Him.

This love in me is not something that has been conjured up, rather it is something that has been deeply rooted by the Father. Therefore, it is Him...utterly Him, that I can arise every morning and pour out to a world that is empty, broken, and unjust.

This is Alex...he has Cerebral Palsy and staying in our critical care tent. I like to hang out with him once in a while..he has a precious little personality.

Someone got their hairs did.

Remember Claudette? (See this post) She is a miracle kid. Her little body has been recovering from severe burns on her torso and legs for the past 9 months. Her stomach has thick, cardboard like skin on it because of her burns. She still needs dressing changes for the remaining burns on her thighs...the other day she had a really painful time during dressing changes so I brought her up to my room to take a little nap in front of the fan afterwards.

Praise the Lord for evening walks. We started walking again last week...we usually take a few older Rescue Center kids with us on the shorter walks.

The sights are stinking gorgeous. Living in the mountains may be a little hick, but it has its legit perks.

Madelene is another little miracle. You can read her story here and an update here.

Meet Williony and Williona...they are seriously presh! They are currently hanging out with us here in the office along with 2 other critical kids. We have almost 90 kids in the Rescue Center/critical care tent right now and we are literally having to put kids in every empty corner. It will be freaking awesome when we get to move all the kids up to our new Rescue Center...for now we must degaje (do with what we have).

Yesterday Williony and Williona's Papa came to visit them. His wife and son were also coming with, but the son started having cholera symptoms on the way here and she had to turn back and bring him to a facility that was closer to them.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

2011-07-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the LORD has helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

Ebenezer means "stone of help." The large stone was placed upright as a symbol of remembrance in order that every time an Israelite would see it, they would be reminded of what the Lord had done. In essence it proclaimed...keep trusting.

The message at church on Sunday was titled "Living with a Death Clock." I know, sounds morbid....but seriously, it is so good to remember that I am going to die. To be reminded that I can live my life for me, or I can live for a Kingdom of love that is going to last forever.

But death isn't my Ebenezer (cause I haven't actually experienced it yet...just in case you were wondering). However, there should be like 187,010,985ish vertical rocks sticking out of the ground in places that I have stood, laughed, slept, ate, camped, knelt, wept, failed, obeyed, hurt, been healed, etc. There were big moments and there were lots and lots of little ones, but His faithfulness and love has never changed with each passing breath.

There has always been an ache in my heart for the plight of those in poverty, particularly in Africa. I remember the last couple months of 2009 I had this deep, unrelenting burden in my heart like I had never ever felt before. I began emailing and pursuing ministries in Uganda and Ethiopia. Nothing was happening at all, nothing. In fact, I felt as if I was trying to make something happen. I had no peace about pursuing these countries but I thought, "God, You have called me to go to Africa and so I am going to make it happen." In mid-December I gave up trying to make plans and was quite confused, but the burden never left.

Then the earthquake happened. I can't describe to you how it tore me up...so I won't try. All I know is that I heard the Lord whisper, "This is why I have been burdening you." I could barely get myself to function for a few weeks after the earthquake. All that was my life now seemed incredibly pointless compared to the suffering the people of Haiti were facing.

After that little baby whisper from the Lord, my heart felt at peace about pursuing going to Haiti that summer. I know, I know...deep burden and peace at the same time doesn't make sense...but it happened, I swear. Because of its geographical location thousands upon thousands of people were wanting to get into to Haiti to help (or steal children or whatever). The orgs down there were flipping SWAMPED with people parading as heroes (I'm not above this sarcastic statement).

I was some random college kid who had never been to Haiti, didn't know the language and had nearly zilch connections there. I am proud to say that I knew that Haiti existed before the earthquake. However, I am not proud to say I never EVER considered it. HELLO...I was called to Africa!!! Wayyyy more legit.

I'll make a DANG LONG STORY short. I ended up living in Haiti for three months that summer at a little organization I didn't know existed six months before. Now I am on freaking staff at that little organization!!!

Okay so, there's my Ebenezer. Just one story out of many.

And that's the thing about facing the fact of death. It makes me want to LIVE, not just stay in a place of safety and comfort out of fear. I am being plucked out of a life of mediocrity and regret! Praise the Lord God Almighty!!

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;

hither by thy help I'm come;

and I hope, by thy good pleasure,

safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

wandering from the fold of God;

he, to rescue me from danger,

interposed his precious blood.

I'm 'bout to be real with you...where I'm at

2011-07-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

The reality that I am "giving up" my life here is beginning to hit me. I finally found an (in-freaking-credible) Christian community to be a part of/people I would love to "do life with" but that I have to give up less than 3 months after finding it....

Then there's campfires and s'mores, sitting by the lake, watching fireworks with friends, laying in the green summer grass, tubing and pontoon rides, grabbing a late night ice cream cone and french fries with girlfriends, being within an hour and a half drive from my best friend, having a car, having friends to come over and watch a movie, etc, etc, etc....these things/moments will no longer be a part of my life. Friends and family will still be a part of my life, but in a radically different way.

I'm sentimental. I LOVE traditions. I love that I am able to have common experiences to share with people that I care deeply about. I got incredibly pissed at my parents when they started putting up a faux Christmas tree rather than dragging us all to the little corner house in the middle of Appleton, WI that used its half acre lot to sell trees. I wanted to go back to that place and remember, together, not just the memories we had on that property, but the memories we had in our living room around all those genuine, sap excreting pine trees.

I know there will be new traditions, new friends and mentors, new memories...but the new will never replace the old. I am excited for those new things to come into my life, but right now I am beginning to mourn what I have known.

All this angst, mourning, and reflection has left me asking some questions....

Did I seriously choose to move my life to Haiti? What am I thinking? Do I realize what I am getting myself into?

1. I simply obeyed...with excitement, anticipation, trembling, and ignorance (like an "I would chicken out if I really knew what I am getting myself into" sort of ignorance)....all because of a big, fat heavy burden and a Kingdom that I can't shake.

2. I guess I kind of romanticized the whole idea of "losing your life so you can find it" and the Lord took me up on my raised hand. (Again, ignorance really is bliss)

3. I still don't really know what in the heck I am getting myself into...but my Papa does. This summer has been a constant reminder that He is still ordering my steps and that He is taking care of me and preparing me to be a wounded healer.

All this crap ^^ is stuff that I deeply know is true....

Yet fear and lies are often flooding my mind. I didn't realize how much fear/shame/insecurity/ugliness was raging in my heart until it started oozing out this past month. The Lord is pulling away at a big hunk of weeds in my heart, uprooting all of that fear/shame/etc.

I am learning how to fix my eyes on Him, how to fully trust Him, how to know Him more intimately, how to just be with Him. I know my Jesus loves me, but I often still fear that He will abandon me or that I am not desirable to Him. I know He is safe, but I usually trust in my own strength. I know He has washed me clean, but I allow shame to cover me like a thick cloud.

This summer I am not just learning how to claim His truths over all these lies...I am learning to legitimately WALK IN THOSE TRUTHS (even when I'm neck deep in mucky lies). How to walk with my gaze fixed on Him, with my heart founded in His love, healing, and affirmation.

It is so dang easy to say crap that sounds dang good (that I am seriously sincere in saying at times) and then I begin to have to live what I said. For example, "I surrender God...for reals...take all of me!!" "I want to be refined, make me like you Father" "I'll go wherever You want me to go!!" "Teach me to love like You" "I want to know You more intimately" "I want deep, growing relationships"

Okay seriously...the Lord answers these feel good/sound good/sincere prayers, but it is PAINFUL. HOLY CRAAAAP! It isn't like God is making me feel this pain to teach me a lesson...I'm realizing it's my sin and its affects that are so flipping nasty. He not only has to dig up and heal the wounds I have have received from others, but open my eyes to how I am wounding.

When the Lord asked me to spend the summer focusing on Him and resting I guess I should have known what was coming. It's good....tough, but good.

Your spirit inside me holds me close
In your wonderful presence I let go
I cleanse my hands, You burn my heart
I cry out for love, You set me apart...
For I know You are faithful, my God

I will extol the LORD at all times;
   his praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the LORD;
   let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me;
   let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
   he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
   their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
   he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
   and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the LORD is good;
   blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Psalm 34:1-8

Learning to Wait

2011-05-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

It sure has been an interesting month! Almost nothing has gone according to my plans at all (I'm a missionary now...I guess I should probably expect/get used to it. ha). Yet, the Lord continues to order my steps.

I was originally going to be moving down to Haiti May 23rd. It seemed like what was supposed to happen...graduation, move home for a couple weeks, leave. The quickest, smoothest post grad plan ever....perfect! COME ON GOD....my plan makes so much sense!!! Make it work! (please?)

I was really pushing and prodding and trying to make it work, but it just was not happening. Finances were the biggest and most obvious obstacle, plus my job had already hired my replacement and I had no place to live after May 7th because I had to move out of my apartment the day after graduation. It was 5 days before I was supposed to graduate and I was REALLY stressing, "okay God, can you please provide the finances I need because I need to leave in 3 weeks???...or please provide a place for me to work and live for the summer because I am TOTALLY in the dark about what the heck I need to do!" (Not going to lie, I can be demanding at times...my family didn't name me "The Queen" as a child for no reason)

Despite my impatience, the Lord answered:

It's a long story, but here's the short of it...last Tuesday my boss told me they have a place for me because they had (that day) received extra funding for summer positions, and then within 45min of that news the Lord provided a place for me to live for the summer.

I feel so at peace about this. I have realized that I need time to reflect, rest, raise support, and prepare before moving down to Haiti. I miss the Rescue Center kids, I miss Lori and Licia like crazy, I miss church in Haiti, I miss all that is Haiti....but I know that in waiting upon the Lord my strength will be renewed (Isaiah 40:31) and that is exactly what I need right now.

I am still in need of $360 of monthly financial support before reaching my goal of $800. (All money that has been/is given will be put towards my time in Haiti.) My sending cannot happen without you guys, the senders. If you feel the Lord nudging you to be one of those supporters please let me know. You each mean more to me than you even know! God's heart breaks for Haiti and He has allowed me to share in that and be an extension of Him there.

The new "plan" is to move down to Haiti around August 9th. Please pray for me this summer as my heart is prepared. Please pray for Lori and Licia as they continue to serve and love the people of Haiti each and every day. Please pray for the people and nation of Haiti, that they would know Jesus in the depths of their hearts.

I will continue to keep you all updated over the summer. Also, you can get daily blog updates at www.realhopeforhaiti.org. If you have questions, advice, thoughts, prayers or whatever feel free to email, call me, stop me on the street, etc.

As the wise Jon Foreman says in his song "Your Love is Strong"

Why do I worry? Why do I freak out?

God knows what I need, You know what I need.

Livesay [Haiti] Weblog: Alien Will

2011-03-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

Love this post so much. Obedience to Jesus, even when painful, is so worth it.

Livesay [Haiti] Weblog: Alien Will: "Last summer while we were in the USA lamenting not being in Haiti, God gave us many good gifts. One of them was a unique opportunity t..."

Saying Goodbye to Marlene

2011-01-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

SHE'S HOME!! Praise Jesus that Marlene made it, she went home in the arms of her mother rather than a casket. Her life is a miracle. I am so thankful to the Lord that I got be a part of it these last seven months. We laughed a heck of a lot together and there are so many moments that I will never forget. I don't think this is the of my relationship with Marlene and her family, we will see what the Lord has for our future. Please continue to pray for her as she transitions back home and gets back to "normal" life.

Marlene's journey (PS she is turning six next month):

June 8 - 14lbs, slight kwashiorkor in feet and legs

June 13

June 23 - me and Anna were freaking out that night about how chubby she looked :)

July 2

July 7

July 10 - with Anna

July 16

July 26

August 9 - Saying goodbye, the day before I left. 20lbs

November 22 - Up to 25lbs!!

January 2 - Incredibly healthy and looking so grown up!! 27.5lbs

January 4 - All dressed up and ready to go home...or so we thought. She ended up staying an extra week. Lucky for me :)

7 months ealier...

January 11 - Official goodbye. 28.5lbs She DOUBLED in size! The Lord is good.

Marlene with her Mama when she was admitted

Mid-July with her two brothers and mom. (The youngest, Gethro, passed away this fall)

Going home!!!!

One of the reasons that made it a lot easier to say goodbye to Marlene is her precious mother. This woman is truly a diamond in the rough. Marlene was always talking about her mom and how she takes her to church and prays with her and how she loves her mom so much and she was always letting me know the next time her mom was coming to visit. She consistently came to see Marlene and words cannot express her excitement whenever she got to see her mom. Please pray for Marlene's mom as she raises her 3 children (Marlene and her older brother and sister) and deals with the loss her youngest, Gethro.

Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?

James 2:5

Back in Haiti

2011-01-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

Of course my heart has been so full these last four weeks. Often times with peace, joy, contentment, but other times I have felt incredibly overwhelmed and full of sorrow. I have been so thankful to have incredible women by my side through it all. The Lord is good in providing beautiful friends to laugh with (a ton) and cry with as well.

The first few weeks I helped a lot more in the clinic than I did this summer. I learned A LOT...that is for sure. Every day the clinic is open for dressing changes from 7am until whenever everyone has gone through. Also, Lori, Licia, Anna, and other volunteers have been spending a couple hours in the afternoon/evening to change Claudette's dressings. She came in 9 days ago with severe burns from her chest to her ankles because her dress caught on fire. Please please please pray for her. She is in a horrendous amount of pain!

Other happenings the past month:

I got to meet this precious little guy, Renald.

We took a little trip to church with 3 of the girls: Primane, Roselande, and Gerline.

It was HILARIOUS watching Gerline attempt to jump on the trampoline after church, especially when I got on and started bouncing her around. I had fun...not so sure about her :)

The girls got to come out to eat with us for a little treat at Karibe, a local hotel in Port-au-Prince that has GREAT food.

Gerline:

Roselande:

Primane:

On Christmas Eve we brought over some of the older kids from the Rescue Center to make Christmas cookies. That day was definitely a day of great memories.

This is Djeuvens who I asked many of you to pray for. This is a picture of him the day before he passed away. He was in really rough shape for the last 48hours. He was such a smiley, happy little guys and it was so awful to see him in so much pain.

Goodbye Djeuvens boy. Safe in the arms of Jesus.

This picture was taken New Years day which is Haiti's Independence Day. One of their traditions on that day is to eat soup joumou which is "pumpkin soup." I expected the worst but to my surprise it was GOOOOD! All of the kids in the Rescue Center also got soup joumou for Independence Day. Jackson was eventually woken up and given some soup as well. :)

Me and Anna went into General Hospital in Port the other day to pick up a lady and her toddler to come and live here in Cazale. After we picked her up our route home took us past the Presidential Palace. This picture was literally taken two days ago...this gives you a really good idea of how earthquake "clean-up" is going as far as the government goes. Pray pray pray.

Finally, it's time for me to say goodbye to Marlene. We thought that she was leaving this past Tuesday, but lucky for me she will probably be around until this next Tuesday. Marlene has DOUBLED in weight since I first started caring for her. I cannot believe how big she has gotten. Her little feet and hands have even gotten so much bigger. I know that Marlene has an incredible mother who loves the Lord and it is SO encouraging seeing how giddy Marlene gets when she talks about going back home with her mom. It is not going to be easy to say goodbye, but in the last 8 months that I have known her I truly saw a miracle of the Lord in front my eyes.

The Lord is so good you guys, He truly truly is. I only have 10 days left here (this time around) and I know it is going to be harder than ever to leave. I know He will sustain me, He will calm my heart when it can't help being away from here, and I know that He is the Savior of these precious people, He is their hope.

Ayiti Ayiti - Another Miracle

2010-12-17T08:57:00.000-08:00

The short of it is I was supposed to be in Haiti on the 10th. Because of rioting and demonstrations the airport closed and on Wednesday the 8th I got a call that my flight was cancelled. It was rescheduled for the 15th and then to Monday the 13th. Then, on Friday my Monday flight got cancelled and rescheduled for Saturday the 18th. I called every hour or two all weekend to try to get an earlier flight. Nothing ever opened up…they were booked solid through the 18th. Then I woke up Monday morning at 11 and called first thing expecting to hear the same diddly that I had been hearing.

Well, I didn’t. The lady was like, “We have an opening for the 7:35am flight into Port-au-Prince from Miami tomorrow morning. We could get you on a flight out of Minneapolis at 4:15 or 5:25 this evening.” All my breath immediately left my body and I passed out!! (okay, that’s a lie…but i was freaking out) Anyway, I said to the AA lady, “ummmm I probably have to make this decision right now, huh?” She of course said yes and I proceeded to agree to the reality of arriving in Haiti that next morning.

It was LITERALLY the first flight back into Port after flights started again. THE LORD GOT ME ON THE FIRST STINKING FLIGHT!! Seriously, ridiculous! I was sitting there in the Miami airport literally smirking and shaking my head because I couldn’t believe the Lord had done yet ANOTHER miracle in my life regarding Haiti. Dang, dang, daaaaaaang!

The moral of the story is, Tuesday morning I stepped foot onto my favorite little island in the whole wide world. The older group of girls that are in the Rescue Center practically drowned me in hugs yesterday. :) Oh man, I am so blessed you guys. For real, God is so so good.

I am going to try my best to update this blog. I will for sure be updating my twitter (@jesslehman) and my Facebook status daily.

That’s all for now…if I start slacking on blogging just send me a Facebook message telling me to shape up. I need a good push once in a while. :)

Until next time, “peace out.”

More Pain - Cholera

2010-10-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

My heart is breaking. It is harder than ever to try to function and keep up with my college "life". I am so overwhelmed.

Please pray for Haiti. Please.

Here is a really great article on the situation:

Haiti cholera hospital is a horror scene
Source: AlertNet
Date: 22 Oct 2010

22 Oct 2010 10:54:00 GMT

Written by: David Darg

Reuters and AlertNet are not responsible for the content of this
article or for any external internet sites. The views expressed are the
author's alone.

We woke to disturbing news on Thursday. Our friends at Partners in
Health told us droves of people were arriving at St Marc, sick with
diarrhea, and that they were dying from dehydration at an alarming
rate. The question was clear, could we mobilize to provide clean water
to an area suspected of having Haiti's first major cholera outbreak in
decades?

Our staff immediately began loading our trucks with equipment. As we
drove the two hours to St Marc emails on my phone showed the death toll
was climbing steadily. Everyone was nervous.

We arrived at St Marc hospital to a horror scene. I had to fight my way
through the gate as a huge crowd of worried relatives stood outside,
while others screamed for access as they carried dying relatives into
the compound. The courtyard was lined with patients hooked up to
intravenous (IV) drips. It had just rained and there were people lying
on the ground on soggy sheets, half-soaked with feces.

Some children were screaming and writhing in agony, others were
motionless with their eyes rolled back into their heads as doctors and
nursing staff searched desperately for a vein to give them an IV. The
hospital was overwhelmed, apparently caught out suddenly by one of the
fastest killers there is.

Our friend, Cate Oswald, from Partners In Health came out from a triage
tent clutching a hand-drawn map. It showed the local river and the
names of a few communities where the patients had been coming from.
Cate and some of her colleagues led us into the countryside to find the
source of the epidemic.

Soon we were heading down narrow dirt roads with rice paddies and
canals on either side. The crisis had started the day before. Doctors
realized it was getting serious during the night. By then the villagers
had heard of the deaths and word spread quickly not to drink water from
the river.

Most people had gone thirsty for hours. The roads were lined with
villagers holding buckets, begging for water. Some larger groups had
set up road blocks and our convoy was forced to stop and explain that
we didn't have water, only equipment to purify water, and that we were
heading to the source of the problem. The villagers reluctantly let us
pass.

People were constantly trying to flag us down and pointing to sick
friends and relatives. One group forced us to stop - they had a girl
close to death. PIH staff started her on an IV and placed her in their
vehicle. Her mother, clutching another baby, explained that her husband
had died yesterday and asked us to save her daughter.

RISING TOLL

We arrived at the place where many of the patients had originated from,
a small dusty community called Babou La Port. Our team set up a water
purification system, which filters and chlorinates, ensuring that any
bacteria or diseases are killed.

As we worked, sick villagers of all ages congregated under the shade of
some large trees. The medical staff placed IVs in some. One, a boy
named Frantz, was brought to us by his grandmother. He was weak and
vomiting. His grandmother was frail and could only point to the river
when we asked her how long Frantz had been ill.

Diarrhea is unfortunately a common problem in this part of the world. A
villager with cholera might lie down on feeling ill, expecting to get
better, and be dead within hours.

Convoys of trucks plastered with the posters of various presidential
candidates drove up and down the dirt roads. Many candidates saw this
as an opportunity to campaign. They were tossing out small plastic bags
of water to the desperate crowds. There were fights for the water and
one man was crushed under a truck in the scuffle.

Our filtration unit fired up and word spread quickly. Soon a sea of
multi-colored buckets surrounded us. There were no cheers and little
laughter; most of the villagers were stunned, afraid and weak. They
were just relieved to have water.

Some of our Haitian staff agreed to stay with the system overnight and
keep it operating. It was a daunting challenge, to stay awake
surrounded by deadly disease and desperate villagers.

Back at St Marc hospital not much had changed, other than the death
toll. As I write, the confirmed toll is 135 and rising with thousands
more infected. There are still patients being carried into the hospital
close to death.

Now however the cries of the mothers are louder and there are even more
people at the gates desperate to hear news of their loved ones. The
hospital is struggling to cope with such a sudden influx of patients,
especially since it is still trying to recover from the January
earthquake.

The scenes at St Marc reminded me of Haiti's capital Port-au-Prince
after the quake: patients lying in the streets, doctors struggling to
cope, mass hysteria and fatigue.

On Thursday morning, as the scale of the problem began to emerge, my
friend Dr Koji from Partners in Health shook my hand and said "Let's
stop this". The only way to halt a disease like cholera is to stop
people from getting infected. The hardest hit areas now have access to
safe water, and thanks to people like Dr Koji the sick are receiving
treatment.

Reuters AlertNet is not responsible for the content of external
websites.

For more humanitarian news and analysis, please visit www.alertnet.org

It is time to say goodbye

2010-08-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

Two days until I fly home and there are many thoughts and emotions in my heart and mind. It seems like it was only a few days ago that I was dodging motos and taptaps trying to reach the gold pick-up truck where Licia and Enoch were waiting. My expectations of what I would see had come from my television and laptop for the previous five months. Even that first drive past the tent cities and mass burial grounds seemed so very distant to me, almost as if I was still peering at things through a screen.

My first impression of the people, smells, scenery and way of life reminded me a lot of Uganda with a little more American influence. Less traditional outfits and more donated t-shirts and Crocs (LOTS of Crocs). I expected there to be more fluent English speakers but was surprised to find there are very few. I realized it has to do with the fact that Cazale is a rural community and don't have access (much less have the money to go) to the English classes in town.

My first experience in the Rescue Center was incredibly overwhelming. There were kids running up to me and tipping me over with these big smiles on their faces. There were other kids laying completely unresponsive on the mats, their only response was to blink. They were still too sick to hope to give a smile. I still (and probably never will) completely be able to feel for these kids...I have NO IDEA the kind of hell they are going through. I feel more connected to the problem of starving kids. I know their names, faces, hugs, kisses, giggles, cries and smiles....ooh their smiles!! With that said, I still cannot not wrap my mind around it's (poverty, starvation, neglect) affect on so so so so so many kiddos in this world. Sometimes those big statistics make me step back a little bit from emotionally connecting or caring because it just feels overwhelmingly impossible, because it is impossible. Then I look at each kid here, knowing that most all of them would be dead without the Rescue Center and am reminded that each ONE matter. Really, it's cliche...but it's deeply, deeply true.

Now, those kids have my heart forever and ever and ever. I have already shed tears knowing 50 footsteps will not bring me to their big, brown eyes and excited hugs.

Knowing that I will be home 72hours from now makes me SO excited! I cannot wait to see my family when they pick me up in O'hare and catch up with friends back home. I can't even describe to you how torn my heart is.

Now begins the journey of trying to live again...to find a new normal as I venture out as the same person, but at different person at the same time.

The Dichotomy of Love

2010-07-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

For different reasons I have been kind of vague and short in most of my blog posts. My lack of ability to put my thoughts/feelings into words has been an issue as well as the fact I don't really know what my thoughts/feelings are (at least in the deep/un-cliche sense). Yes, I have learned so so much and am forever in love with this place, I have questioned and felt deep sorrow, I have seen hope, I have seen reasons to give up. There is truly truly truly no way to express to you all that Haiti is. I hope to continue to give you snippets of this beautiful place and how the Lord has been working and is working in the hearts of the people.

Wherever I go it is the children that grip my heart the most. It's not something I go looking for, it just hits me like a freight train. Haiti has been no different. Well, maybe it has been very different. The Rescue Center, for one, is a very extreme place. These kids are the worst of the worst and some aren't so cute or cuddly. It's really hard to love a kid who has horrendous amounts of diarrhea and who knows what kind of contagious illnesses. Believe me, it's really really difficult.

When I was in Uganda I remember a moment of epiphany. There was a baby sitting on my lap who was half naked, dirty and stinky and a girl named Maureen who was about nine who was mentally disabled because of a high fever from Malaria when she was younger. Her hands were ridden with scabies (or something that gave her blistering wounds) and she would constantly want to be held onto, so she would wrap herself around my waist. She wasn't the only "unlovely" kid, but she was the clingiest.

Maureen:

I remember sitting there and suddenly realizing.... when Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14) He was probably welcoming and loving kids like Maureen. They were most likely kids who had never worn shoes, who hadn't bathed in a while, who didn't have the convenience of modern medicine to get rid of whatever was eating away at their skin. Why was I giving a crap about getting scabies? This little girl needed to be loved, she needed to be held and kissed. It wasn't about Jess Lehman loving her...it was about Jesus being present in my love. In my putrid, dirty state He comes to me, He welcomes me, He loves me.
Fast forward two years to Haiti. Same kind of kids (no, I'm not saying all these poor, black kids are so gross...I'm saying poverty doesn't allow for the same amenities that we take for granted). That kind of epiphany is not something that is easy to act upon once it is realized. It is a struggle to keep that heart each and every day....especially when seeing these kids becomes a regular part of life. That is one of the reasons why Haiti has been different, I have been here a lot longer. I stayed in the village in Uganda for less than two weeks and I will have been here a total of three months, which is not that long either, but it isn't so "love-really-a-lot-for-two-weeks-and-then-peace-out...i'll-remember-you-forever-but-never-see-you-again". It's like a mini marathon...how to I pace myself to love so I don't get burnt out and how do I love deeply and hurt without completely shutting down or building up walls. Basically it come down to "holy crap, I can't do this on my own, LORD HELP!"
That's how it has been different I think (as I sit here trying to process this all as I type away), these months have allowed for more time to get to know these precious kiddos, as well as for being overwhelmed and, in turn, shutting down. It's this great dichotomy...they are incredibly easy to love and yet overwhelmingly hard to love.

With all that said, I don't know how I could do anything else in my life but live each day striving to love others and my Jesus more and more (as difficult as it is). Anything else seems so empty and very temporary. I desire to impact eternity, even if my impact is the size of one mustard seed among numerous watermelons.

Here is a taste of the transformation that takes place here:

Jacksson

Millien

Jeowel

Loner

Gerard

Peterly

Marlene

A few more from the RC

bon nwit timoun yo. mwen renmen ou ajame.

meltdowns:

Daniel

Simon

Wiline

and some cute ones

Nono (yes, that's his real name)

Andreline

Hotea

(the meltdown/cute photos were taken earlier today...they're fresh off the press)

I want to leave you with the little tid-bit from Oswals Chambers...it resonates so deeply in my heart right now:

Having the reality of God’s presence is not dependent on our being in a particular circumstance or place, but is only dependent on our determination to keep the Lord before us continually...The experience the psalmist speaks of— “We will not fear, even though . . .” ( Psalm 46:2 )— will be ours once we are grounded on the truth of the reality of God’s presence, not just a simple awareness of it, but an understanding of the reality of it. Then we will exclaim, “He has been here all the time!” - My Utmost for His Highest, July 20th

This is all that I can say...

2010-07-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

There is a David Cowder song that goes:

this is all that I can say right now
i know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

I kind of feel like this is my life right now in many aspects...I don't have many words (much less the right ones) and I don't know what to do besides to attempt to give all of me. Every day I feel like I just have to jump and let the Lord guide what I am falling towards.

Update: This is the guy who came in with his hand hanging off of his arm. It was amputated at a nearby mission and he has been coming to RHFH for dressing changes.

Update: Ojean is looking A LOT better...he has a feeding tube back in but it looks like he is going to make it.

This is Marie-Rose...her aunt brought her in to RHFH because her mom is crazy and apparently does not care for her. She was vomiting worms and everything we gave her orally for 3 or 4 days while Anna took care of her. The only thing that was keeping her alive was an IV. The problem was the IV was making her Kwashiorkor get worse. Marie-Rose passed away Tuesday evening.

This is the line for the clinic in the mornings at about 5:45am...some people sit out by the gate for more than 24hours

Baby DuDu sleeping out on the porch

Me and Anna dressed Marlene up in some workout gear and let her do her thing...she is SO HILARIOUS!

This is Sonn...one of the babies in the Rescue Center. He is definitely one of the smiliest kids I have ever met in my life!!

Some of the kids hangin' out

I love going to the RC at bed time...

Good night Rose Marie and Yverson

Good night Dielot...

Good night Jeowel and Gerard...

and good night precious Peterly...

Mwen renmen nou anpil anpil

..to be broken

2010-07-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

My life is flying by at an incredible pace. I can't believe that 6 weeks from now I'll be back in Minneapolis. I have already started to picture my life away from this place and it has brought me to tears. I look at Marlene and wonder what her life is going to look like...will she become malnourished again once she goes home? will her fast heart rate affect the length of her life? will she even be able to attend school considering she lives in a poor family? What about the other kids in the RC...Jowel, Nachca, Amonise, Deny, Simon, Carlos, Darlens, Millien, Dohna, Rose Marie, Dielot (to name a few)...will they grow up knowing the beauty of Jesus and His drenching love?

I just wrote like 4 things and then erased them realizing that what I wrote is what I wanted people to hear. So here's the truth...I almost feel numb to the things that are happening around me. I am not sure if it is the non-stop pace of life (with so much to do yet seemingly so little time) that keeps me from processing/feeling, or if I have allowed myself to be emotionally distant, or if my lack of interaction with the Lord is hardening me...maybe a bit of each, maybe just one of those things...I am really not sure. Don't get me wrong, I am not like a hardened brick running around but my heart feels less broken (a good kind of broken...like broken for brokenness).

Things here are still amazing...I truly love it more every day. I hope that these few months here are the gateway into something long term (If God wills). I am asking the Lord to break my heart and open my eyes to what He sees when He looks down on the people in the mountains of Cazale.

One of the girls from VBS

More VBS. That is my friend Nathalie with them.

Marlene loves to give kisses!

She is such a goof!! She cacks me up ALL the time!

I know...HILARIOUS!! :)

These pictures are from tuesday...every tuesday RHFH gives out food boxes to some of the poorest families in the area (they contact local churches to ask which families in their congregations are the poorest).

One of the kids sponsored by the school sponsorship program at RHFH

Meet Lil' D (Dickson). He is the newest edition to my room. He is 3 months old and weighs the same as when he was born...6 pounds. He is like a miniature old man...I just love him to pieces!

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

To God be the glory

kiddo update

2010-06-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

There are things here that give me hope and there are some things that are incredibly disheartening. Here are a couple examples:

First, Marline...she's been with me and Anna about 2 1/2 weeks now and she is looking SO GOOD and is quickly gaining weight:

This picture is from the first day she was here. She is sitting next to Darlens...he is a 16lbs 3 year old and she is 5.

I took this picture of Marline tonight...for some reason me and Anna noticed that she suddenly looks chubby! We were freaking for a little while and telling her how fat she looks and she was smiling like crazy. Her belly get so full from all the food she eats that her innie bellie button turns to an outie. The only thing I am concerned about is her heart rate...I noticed that her heart was beating fast so I counted her BPM. Her heart rate is about 150BPM normally and about 120-130BPM resting. Not sure what this means but I am concerned about. I've been praying that the Lord would heal her...I am asking you to do the same.

Now to Ojean...he was one of the first kids we started taking care of when I got here.

He was pretty bad and we weren't sure if he was going to make it through the night...he did, and started to do really well (yes, that's a girls hat...I was overtired and I thought it was funny apparently. oh gollie)

I saw a nanny from the RC holding him today in the clinic and he looked terrible...Lori put an IV in him and now we just have to wait to see if his little body will be able to recover from all of the terrible things it has had to endure. Please be praying for him.

Finally for tonight is Donah. She came in today...she has AWFUL Kwashiorkor (her kidneys are shutting down and excess water is building up in her body due to lack of protein in her diet). This is one of the worst forms of malnourishment...her organs just begin to shut down. Kwash starts in the feet and works its way up...her eyes are now starting to swell. Notice how shiny her skin is...it will most likely start to peel off and become raw.

She is staying with me and Anna for a while.

She also has a terrible rash/infection that hurts her with the slightest tough or movement. She is in incredibly rough shape.

Please pray for this precious little girl.

I believe Your my healer,

I believe You are all I need,

Jesus, You're all I need.

unto us a child is born (literally), Port au Prince and other happenings

2010-06-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

So last week on Wednesday morning I was just stepping out of the bathroom from getting ready for the day when Anna yells at me to get down to the clinic because a baby was being born. I assumed that meant it was about to pop out at that moment. Well, the baby was crowning but it took another 3 hours to actually get it out. ish. Here's the short of it...the girl's (18 years old) water broke the day before at noon and she had been in labor all night and unable to push the baby out. They finally came to the clinic a little before 8am because they didn't know what else to do. We figured it would happen fast because you could see the baby's head but that was not the case. The little confined 30ft by 20ft room we were in was SWELTERING! We would step outside the room (mind you it was 10-11am in Haiti which is like HOT) and it felt incredibly cool compared to the room we were in. It was quite literally a sauna in there (it was hot for us but I am sure totally and utterly sucky for the girl in labor). We were scared that the cord could be around the baby's neck or various other terrible things and that it was potentially dead. Anyway after 3 more hours of pushing in the clinic the baby boy popped out (he seriously flew out!) He was a bit purple and had fluid in his lungs. Lori managed to get enough out for him to take little shallow breaths. Then me and Anna gave him oxygen and continued to suck the fluid out. He started to get some color back and after like 30-45min after giving birth, mom and baby were on their way home.

It was quite the event to experience, I'll tell you that much! I immediately took a shower afterwards because I definitely got some placenta juice splashed on me.

Here's baby:

Mom and baby before heading home:

The next day I was able to take a motorcycle taxi to the beach to see a dear friend. It was all very spur of the moment/last minute but Lori and Licia were awesome about helping me get there and back! It was so fantastic to see Michelle and spend time with the people on her team. They were so fun and inviting...it was such a refreshing day. Praise the Lord.

In other news...I went into Port on Sunday to go to church. The roads on the outskirts of Port that we have to take to get into town are full of tent cities. I can't even imagine what it would be like to spend hot days and rainy nights under a tarp. Pray that the hurricanes and tropical storms stay away...it could easily be a second major disaster in the making.

This tent city continues on to the right and wraps around the side of the mountain

This is one of the many tent houses in Cazale (where I'm at).

Some of you may have heard of me mentioning Marline (sounds like marlin, the type of fish)...she is the 5 year old I have been taking care of this past week. I have put off helping Peterly to care for Marline because she wasn't eating while she was at the rescue center and wasn't doing so well. She was pretty sad looking for the first week...she never smiled and always had this incredibly sunken, sad look on her face.

This little girl has started to transform...at the end of last week I discovered that she had a double ear infection (which was probably one of the reasons for her sad state). A little antibiotics and hydrogen peroxide has really changed her demeanor (the high protein food and endless kisses have probably helped as well). It has been so precious...she usually smiles a ton when she has just eaten and taken a poo (just like the rest of us). Anyway, she is doing so well and I am so proud of her and excited to see her continue to get healthier and more full of joy. (PS the reason I never dress her is because as soon as I put her in a cute little dress she gets diarrhea all over it...so we just stick to a plain ol' diaper)

And here are some randoms from this past week:

Ojean is back in the Rescue Center and doing great! He makes a cute girl eh?

Some of the local kids checkin' out the blancs on our walk

Trey and Henley (and Anna) have discovered the Roller Coasters of Haiti...sliding down the eroded mountain sides.

It's the beginning of week 4 and I am doing great. I am really starting to settle into things here at RHFH and am starting to get to know some more of the people in Cazale. At church on Sunday at Port-au-Prince Fellowship, the Pastor, John McHoul gave a sermon about brokenness. It was a fitting sermon considering that everyone there was a human being (haha...but seriously). He quotes some of the Scriptures that talk about the Lord being near to the brokenhearted. My heart just soaked it up...there have definitely been plenty of times in my life when I have personally been broken before the Lord because of pain in my life. But, there is so much healing from that that the Lord has done in me...I had to be broken before He could begin to make me whole. This season in my life is not for me to be broken about my pain...it is for me to be broken for the pain of Haiti. Brokenness in many ways.

...show me how to love like You have loved me,
Break my heart for what breaks Yours,
everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause...

machete amputation, plants and a bunch of cute kids

2010-06-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

Wow...so the days here go by crazy fast and I wish I was updating this blog WAY MORE than i actually am. Okay, I definitely need to work on that. So there is lots of stuff to talk about but one of the more intense events of this week was a guy who had his hand severed by someone else with a machete. Apparently it was revenge from the person who's hand got cut off by this dude.

His bone was cut in half beneath that flap of skin. (it was basically like watching Discovery Health channel in real life)

They couldn't find a taptap (taxi) to take him to a hospital to do an amputation so Zach had to drive him in the back of his truck. (the lady with him is his mom)

we finally got him to a clinic that could do an amputation after a 25-30min car ride.

On another note... Ojean is back with us after he went to the Rescue Center for a little while and we are also caring for Mirlene. Ojean still has some kwash (when fluids build up in their body...which is why his legs look chubby). They are 2 of the sicker kids at the RC and need tubes so they can get more protein and stay hydrated. The socks are on her hands so she doesn't pull the tube out of her nose.

Mirlene sat outside with is while we planted Vetti Ver (a plant that helps soil erosion)...you can see that her feet are swollen...kwash starts in the feet.

This is Killer the cat (also known as Kliwer cause Trey can't pronounce "killer" so well...he named it that because it kills the rats)

And here are some pictures from inside the Rescue Center...these are all the older kids (aka not the babies)

Climbin' on Anna

A peak inside the RC

And another picture of Peterly just because he is so precious

Randoms from my second week in Haiti

2010-06-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

I saw my first tarantula...it was SICK! luckily by the time I got close enough to get a decent picture it was dead.

We took Carlos from the Rescue Center and brought him on a walk with us one day...he freaked out at first but did ok after a little while.

The`mosquitoes like my fresh blood

This is a view of some of the sellers that sit outside of our gates...this is the gate from coming out of the guest house/old Rescue Center.

It rained pretty hard for a couple hours one day and the new bridge could barely handle it...we'll see what happens if any hurricanes come. We are only like 20-30yards from the river.

There was a HUGE crowd watching the bridge overflow...I thought the lady with the mismatched raincoat and hood looked pretty classy.

This is Romial...he came in on Wednesday and was already near death from neglect and starvation. He was blind because he had been suffering from malnourishment for so long. His parents had brought him in several times in the months before and they were told they needed to admit him to the Rescue Center but they refused. He died yesterday afternoon and is finally in the arms of the Father who never left his side. Precious boy, you can now rejoice for you are in the presence of your Papa.

This is my little buddy Peterly...I've been taking care of him for several days now. He is two and a half...he is healthy now but he still is not able to walk. I am going to be working with him to help strengthen his legs so he can begin to walk.

This is Peterly when he first Came to the Rescue Center

I can't believe I've been here 10 days already...the time is already flying and I am trying to soak up everything that I can. I am going to start working more closely with the development group here. Please pray that the Lord would give me wisdom to help empower them to make changes in their community here in Cazale. They have so much potential!!

Real Hope

2010-05-31T18:54:00.000-07:00

The more and more I see of this world the more my heart yearns to see humankind free of it. Free from the brokenness, bitterness, pain, emptiness and the facade of comfort. There is no end to selfishness in every part of the world. There are glimmers of beauty...the beauty of a Savior who loves perfectly. But, those glimmers are not worth to holding onto because they don't last. The only thing worth holding on to...is the Savior Himself. There is no way to express the wholeness He brings, the healing He leads us to, the hope He is.

Real hope..real hope for you, for me, for Japan, for Romania, for Uganda, for Algeria, for America...real hope for...Haiti. REAL HOPE....that is the reason I find myself here, and it the reason that I have chosen to struggle every day to live my life surrendered to Jesus. May His Kingdom come and His will be done.

Day 2 & 3

2010-05-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

I cannot even believe how fast these last few days have flown by. I was telling a friend tonight that is amazing to be in a place that I always dreamed I would be...and better than that...it is exactly where the Lord wants me to be. It has been kind of weird getting used to the idea that I am going to be here for 3 months. The first day or two I had this mind set that I had to do a ton of stuff all the time as fast as possible because I am so used to being somewhere for less than a month.

The first day I got here was the perfect day for me to arrive (thank the Lord!). There was a couple (John and Noel Piper) that flew in the same morning as me to come and check out Real Hope for Haiti for the day. Because they were here I was able to tag along as Licia and Lori showed them around and told them a TON about RHFH. It was perfect for a first day intro.

Yesterday was more of an introduction to day to day life here. During the day I have been in the office at the clinic with Lori and Licia helping with everything from charts to figuring out how to text to a Twitter account. Last night was my first introduction to the mostly-daily evening walks. Yesterday we walked down the road several miles and today we hiked up some of the mountains near here. We do like 3-5 miles each day...it is a work out but it is GORGEOUS here. There is a great view of the ocean from the tops of the mountains.

Anna tried to learn:

Today got a little interesting when a little girl was abandoned in the courtyard of the clinic. She was apparently laying on the ground for several hours. She seems to have Cerebral Palsy.

The water where all these people are standing is where they found her laying.

This is her when we were waiting for the judge to get there so he could release her to the Rescue Center here at RHFH:

During lunch I played some Jenga with Anna and Licia's boys (LtoR: Henley, Carmelo, Trey) they crack me up!:

Trey was afraid of the tower falling...hahaha:

This place is amazing...Real Hope for Haiti and Haiti. I am so grateful to be able to be here.

i made it to Haiti

2010-05-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

I flew Monday night from O'hare to Ft. Lauderdale where I stayed in a hotel for the night (I was going to stay in the airport for the night but I was extremely tired and nearly had a anxiety breakdown... so i opted for a bed even if only for 5 hours).

I could see a lot of the tent cities from the air:

I arrived in Port au Prince at 8am and was picked by Licia and her hubby Enoch. It seemed like we were on the outskirts of PauP so there were a LOT of little tent cities.

My first day I got acquainted with the different aspects of Real Hope for Haiti (rescue center, clinic, community development). I also got to see the market and we met some of the people in the community that RHFH supports.

This is the view from the balcony of the guest house at RHFH where I am going to be staying:

This is a little guy I met at the clinic yesterday:

We took a tiny little walk across to the other side of the river that runs in front of Real Hope:

You can see the Rescue Center where all the kids have moved to since the EQ (they used to live on the first floor of the building I'm staying in)...it's the big building on the left:

This is walking back across the bridge towards the compound. I'm staying in the building on the left that is a little taller:

This is Darlens...Anna (my roomie) has cared for him for several months now. He is 3. When Anna first started caring for him he weighed 11lbs...he has gained like 5 or 6 lbs since then:

This little guy is also being treated by Anna as of last night...he couldn't keep anything down so Anna had to put a tube in so he could get hydrated and get some nutrients:

The little ones passed out:

Thats been a few of the events of my first day :) Hopefully I'll have more time to talk a little about what my first impressions have been sometime soon.

M' pa pale kreyòl...

2010-05-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

...This is a phrase I have been trying to memorize today because I just picked up the "Haitian Creole Dictionary and Phrasebook" at Barnes & Noble. The phrase means "I don't speak Creole" and I figure I am probably going to be responding with this phrase for the first week or so. I definitely hope to learn a chunk of the language while I am there...but I am not one of those freaks who knows like 7,000 languages, so it's going to take some time/practice.

I visited the dentist today to make sure my teeth won't rot out of my face in the next three months. I didn't even have one cavity (woot!) so I am good to go on the dental side of things. One thing that really weirdes me out though...why the heck do my teeth hurt worse after going to the dentist, even when I don't get a filling? Gollie...these suckers have been sore all day.

4 days and counting...I'm basically all the way packed (and it only weighs 25lbs!! score.), I'll probably just throw a few more random things in my suitcase in the next few days. Here is a packing picture update:

6 days!!

2010-05-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

The days are dwindling and my bags are starting to fill up a bit more. The only things standing in my way are time and these annoying online classes I have to finish up. I am so used to flying to the continent of Africa (4 times in the last 6 years) that Haiti seems like a stones throw away. That blows my mind...Haiti seems a world away, but in reality it is so so near to us. How can this be? I will not let this place that is seemingly far away stay that way to me...I want to know its joys, pains, problems, answers, mothers, fathers, children, leaders, beggars, even its scorching heat. I don't know why the Lord has chosen me...I feel utterly grateful and terribly freaked out at the same time. I know He is with me and I know He is leading me and that is all that matters.

Please read this latest update from the Livesay blog:
http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/2010/05/more-than-grateful.html

and here's an update on the packing progress:

Four Months Later

2010-05-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

Am I really up for this? Haiti? Looord?!!

2010-05-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

Exactly two weeks from right now I will be on a plane headed to Fort Lauderdale, FL which will be my stopping point before flying into Port au Prince.

Lately I have had these moments when I become petrified by the prospect of the next few months that lay ahead of me. I think it is a mixture of not knowing what to expect and this fear that I am not capable of actually doing anything to help (aka failure). Don't get me wrong, I am often times more excited than not, but everything isn't all hunky-dory all the time, ya know? Almost every single time that this fear comes over me I am reminded of how this all came about in the first place. There is no question in my mind, it has been the grace of God that has opened my eyes and given my heart this aching passion for the people of Haiti. Not only that, but He has ordered my steps and opened doors for me to be able to serve at Real Hope for Haiti. There is no way I could have made any of this happen, no stinkin' way!!

On the preparation side of things...I took out my suitcase today and put some of the nanny aprons and cloth diapers in there that I am bringing down for the rescue center at RHFH. I am hoping to be able to fit everything into a small suitcase and my backpack...but we'll see how it goes.

Here's the (baby step) progress :)

On the financial side of things...The Lord has already provided me with $720!! That leaves $930 to go! I am so thankful to the many people who have been willing to help send me to Haiti. $270 of the money I have already received plus the $930 I need to raise will all go to Real Hope for Haiti to help cover my costs of living there (food, bottled water, housing, in-country travel, etc.). If you feel led to help sponsor me I would be so so grateful! Any amount helps!

Prayer needs:

-Praise the Lord for His faithfulness and His mercy to us, so undeserving.

-Please please pray for the people of Haiti, things are not getting easier.

-Please especially pray for the children of Haiti, they are so so vulnerable...(this is an article in USA today about how many children are being abandoned because their parents are not able to provide for them: http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2010-05-09-haiti-abandoned-children_N.htm)

-Please pray that the Lord would provide the finances I need to be able to cover the cost of my living expenses.

-Please pray that God's Kingdom would come and that His will would be done in Haiti.

Love you all!!! THANK YOUUUUUU!!!

The trials of Haiti are seemingly only beginning

2010-05-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

Graduation..wooo!! Not me...boooo.

2010-05-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Today I should have graduated. That was the plan a couple years ago, before I had a my mid-college life crisis. There was a lot of switching of majors happening this past year. Honestly when I look back I have idea what in the heck I was thinking!! It is kind of hilarious because I literally ended up right where I started. I changed back to my original major of International Development. So...I still have a good 21 or so credits left to complete (about a semester and a half worth).

Even though I didn't, it was still so fantastic to see so many of my good friends graduate. Graduation is the epitome of bittersweet. It is this complete excitement for the things that have been achieved and the person one has become in these 4 or 5ish years. It is also a gut wrenching time for goodbyes. It is like life throws us together and then rips apart. (Although Skype makes it a little easier now days)

The truth is though...I would rather deeply love and be loved for a short time and feel the stinging pain of saying goodbye, than distancing myself for fear of an aching heart. If I want to love and be loved deeply, I have to be willing to feel the ache of sorrow.

Goodbye for now dear friends. You guys will always have a special place in this sappy heart of mine.

I love you Joel...you make my life so much more fun, you have taught me what it means to truly respect others.

I love you Andrew...you are such a man of God in the truest, deepest way.

I love you Alexa...your wisdom and listening ear have been a part of shaping me these past three years.

AJ...It has been an honor to see you grow so much the past four years, your tender heart is so precious.

And here all some already graduated friends back in town for this years graduation. We had a little reunion party Thursday night...it ministered to my soul. Both of these women are truly doing Kingdom work...in India and Wisconsin alike. Love you Katie and Steph.

Headed to Haiti update

2010-05-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

It has been six days since I started raising support and the Lord has already provided $607!! He is good...O so good! I bought my plane ticket on Friday...round trip for only $450. WOW! I am used to having to fly all the way to Africa so not only is the price way way cheaper but It only takes a total of 4 hours in flight to get to Haiti. It is crazy how close it is geographically but in reality seems like a whole other world.

I have been communicating with Lori from RHFH about different details of my trip. I will be staying at their visitors house along with Anna who has been at RHFH for about eight months. I will have access to the internet in the visitor house so I will definitely be available for skype-ing throughout the summer (jesslehman is my user name). Lori told me a bit about what I'll be doing, I will mostly be measuring mamba, filing charts, and doing other things that free them up to help people.

"Medika Mamba" is a high protein, high vitamin food that is fed to the kids at the rescue center to get them healthy as quickly as possible. This picture is of one of the girls from the rescue center holding a bag of mamba:

This is a stack of papers from one weeks worth of people coming into the clinic. I will be filing these which will free up a TON of time for Lori and Licia:

These are the things that are very necessary but are time consuming for them. I cannot wait to learn from these seasoned, wise women of God. Only 22 days till lift off!!

Please be praying for the RHFH staff and each individual that walks through their doors. Also be praying for all the kids at the rescue center, that they would not only get healthy physically but that they would each feel the love and care that Jesus has for them though the nannies at the rescue center.

Off to Haiti

2010-04-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

Spent a chunk of my week last week helping Zach at Real Hope for Haiti and Debbie and Paul send out a shipment of stuff to Cazale, Haiti. Loved spending time with these people, I truly enjoyed every moment. I couldn't get enough of Zach's stories, he is an incredible testimony to the grace of Jesus.

Here are some pictures from Friday when we loaded everything up:

Most of the pallets that Zach miraculously fit into the container with a bunch of his daughter's furniture and some stainless steel tables. He is a master packer!

More pallets and some bikes for the Livesay kiddos.

The beginning of the loading.

The proud packing genius waiting for the last 3 pallets.

PeaceoutstuffthatI'vebeenstaringatforthelastmonth.

Please pray that it all makes it safely to Cazale. We still need donations to help fund this container from MN and one from IN. You can check out haitirescuecenter.wordpress.com to donate.

We are now collecting donations to be sent down sometime this fall. Check out heretohaiti.tumblr.com regarding the donations.

Learning to Live Discontent

2010-03-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes tiredness and burden mix together to equal a toxic concoction of emotion. Finishing my 8th semester of college is incredibly tiring (especially when it should be your last but isn't). There are so many things beyond my control that I want to change...my current geographical location is currently #1 on my list. There are several places breaking me and burdening my heart, and honestly, it really sucks not to be there.

This is where I am trying to learn to live discontent. Trying is a good way of saying I am on the edge of falling into a deep abyss of apathy. There are so many overwhelming things on my heart, yet many practical things I need to be faithful with. The epic-ness of what the Lord has in store for me makes the here and now commitments seem like trash (I know, getting my college degree isn't trash...but sometimes it seems like it will never end! ugh).

In my attempt at verbal processing to a friend last week I realized what this discontentment really is. It is a chance for me to be faithful in the small things. I also realized something else, there is no way I have the capabilities to do this on my own...HECK NO!! Surrender is my only option (story of my life....seriously). If I don't learn to be faithful here, throughout my whole life I will always be whining that I want to be in a different place than where I am.

Being discontent is actually kind of a blessing. I feel as if each day I am learning, growing, trying to seek out this fire that burns inside me. It drives me to do something. Yes, it can lead me to go crazy, but that is when I try to control the situation instead of being faithful...in everything, always, even the crap I don't want to do.

So here it goes....

Lord, there is absolutely no way that I can do this. I am way too human to do this, but You are always faithful. Strengthen me, help me to learn how to be like You.

Power in Poverty

2010-03-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

This video is incredible, absolutely powerful.

"Will we pretend the rest of the world is not hurting so we can live in comfort?"

2010-03-05T23:22:00.000-08:00

Looking at his disciples, he said:“'Blessed are you who are poor,for yours is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are you who hunger now,for you will be satisfied.Blessed are you who weep now,for you will laugh.
Blessed are you when men hate you,when they exclude you and insult youand reject your name as evil,because of the Son of Man.
Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.
But woe to you who are rich,for you have already received your comfort.
Woe to you who are well fed now,for you will go hungry.Woe to you who laugh now,for you will mourn and weep.
Woe to you when all men speak well of you,for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.'"
Luke 6:20-26
Dang

Staying in touch with life in Haiti

2010-02-27T19:17:00.000-08:00

It has been such a blessing to stay connected to Haiti through blogs. My heart longs to be there...to hold the babies and laugh with the mothers. For now I am so thankful for the little tastes of life there that I get to partake in.
Thank you,
Livesay's
God's Littlest Angels
Dixie at GLA
Real Hope for Haiti
Rollings's
Haiti Happenings
Heart for Haiti
Providence Ministries
Sandra
Rhyan
Jen

Any others you guys recommend?

A Little Boy in Sierra Leone

2010-02-20T15:00:00.000-08:00

please consider sponsoring this precious little guy...

From:
http://savetheorphan.blogspot.com/2010/02/who-will-sponsor-sheriff.html

What SAVING the orphan truly looks like....

I have debated posting this next piece...I have been a pile of tears since getting these next pictures and images this afternoon. I received very difficult news this evening regarding my little one in SL...most of you might remember the little one I was fighting for last trip...but when this story came in I was once again reminded of why TRS is in Sierra Leone...While we may not save every child...especially those we are closely connected to...if we stick it out...God will make a way for us to save another....because after all...with over 350,000 orphans and only 1700 living in care centers..there are way too many that need our help...so nomatter how hard of a story it is to hear or take on emotionally....it must be done....

Below is the story of 6 year old Sherriff...(pronounced Sharee)...Tonight is his first night in the covering...here is his story through the eyes of Jen...one of our team members....

Today we got to be a part of what the orphanage calls an intake process. Quami and Osseh had already been in touch with the family as had the social worker for The Raining Season. By the way, these are three of the most committed men to Christ and children I have ever seen! They simply amaze me!

So we travel across town and stop on a busy road. Just across the road we see the makeshift flats for houses. This is common. We then walk down a rocky, trash filled area to meet the boy and his grandmother. The boy is so scared. He is hiding behind his grandmother's leg. Jason hands him a "lollie" or "sweets" as the kids call them here. The social worker tells me that the boys' mother died during childbirth as did the infant. Sharif has been living with his grandmother and two other siblings since that time. At this point the grandmother decides to show us where they have been living so we traverse back up the rocky hill, across the street and begin walking a steep dirt alley type hill. The people are so poor. When we finally make it to their home,

it is nothing more than one room with a filthy mattress on the floor and a broken white plastic lawn chair. All five of them sleep on that one mattress. The room is no bigger than a bathroom.

Sharif has been picking up rocks and has several open wounds on his hands that are partially healed but oozing.(We later found out 6 year old Sharif had been making money to eat by picking rocks at a quarry. You can see some of his wounds in this picture below)

Upon arriving there, Sharif is in the home and the social worker asks me if I want to enter it to see inside. I do so and my heart just cries out for this child and his grandmother. His eyes are so big. I can see the fear. I lean near him and just begin speaking of the love of Jesus in his ear. I tell him that he is loved by Jesus. That he is loved by us. That we are here to help him. That we will get him food and water. He nods his head yes as I just whisper these things over and over again to him.

As we begin to leave their home and make our way back to the original encampment area, his grandmother opens her arms to hug me. Tears fill her eyes. The love it must take to admit that you can not physically provide for your grandson. The love it must take to say, "Here take my grandson. You help him." When you look into a person's eyes, you can see that love. She clung so tightly to me. I did not let go but again just reminded her that we would take good care of him and that she is loved.

Finally, after arriving back at the original area, Quami and the social worker go through the process of confirming that these are the wishes of the grandmother and of Sharif. Quami speaks to them in their native language of Krio. At one point the grandmother shakes her head. She is crying and holding my hand. I give her a kleenex and have to show her how to use it to dab her eyes! The tears then just overflow. And then Sharif gets up and takes Quami's hand. Quami tells us that he had said to him, "If you want to come with us, we will provide for you. We will give you a bed. We will give you food. We will give you water. You will have brothers and sisters and aunties and uncles in this new home. If you want to come with us, get up and come with me!" Oh...the tears in my heart over the choice this little six year old just made...the step he took!!!

As we walk up the rocky embankment and out across the street, Sharif grabs my hand. He stays by my side until the social worker takes his hand to lead him to his car and bring him to the promised refuge of The Covering!

Waiting by the car, many children gather to see the "white people". I begin playing a game with the little girls, telling them to touch their head, touch their nose etc. I tell them to reach for the sky and then lightly tickle them as their hands are in the air. They all giggle the most beautiful giggles I have ever heard. As we are about to leave to return and welcome Sharif to The Covering, two little girls look me right in the eyes and say, "I want to come with you too!" My heart melted!!

Later we welcomed Sharif to The Covering. He arrived to wonderful open arms, where fabulous Christian men and women cleaned him and gave him food and water. Osseh went to pick out clothing for him and came back with a pair of blue shorts and a gray baseball t-shirt. The exact items my son Luke had donated to kids in Africa as I packed for this trip!!! Again, my heart melted at God's love!

Sharif was still scared. He was in a new place, with new people. He stayed by me for some time.

At one point he wanted to go to his new bed. I walked alone with him to the room where he climbed up onto his bunk bed.

I grabbed a picture of Doug and I that I had brought and showed it to him, pointing that it was me in the picture. I then took a piece of tape and attached it to the wall by his bed and the smile he gave me was the most incredible smile I had ever seen. I attached one more picture of Kobe, Luke and Faith and again he smiled!

SIMPLE ACTS. SIMPLE LOVE.

Jesus commanded us to love one another as He loves us. Simple. Please pray for this little one tonight..that God would wrap in his arms and cover him in his peace as he begins his new life. We are also believing for sponsors for this little one...If you are interested in Sponsoring this child please contact TRS today.

Get me out of here?

2010-02-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

Eight semesters of college is a long time. I still have at least one full semester left to go. At this time in my life, it is really easy to check out of here. My heart is in other places...Haiti, Uganda, anywhere that I can "really" make a difference. I know I am called to those places eventually in my life, whether this summer or sometime in my future, but not right now, not today. I cannot neglect the burden on my heart for the people in those countries but I cannot neglect my literal neighbors here either.

What if I keep living my life for the future? If I can't see or care about the orphan in Minneapolis can I claim to love the orphan in Haiti or Africa?

Gaulie this is way easier said than done.

Trafficking and selling of children to US

2010-02-06T22:55:00.001-08:00

oh Haiti

2010-01-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

Lately I have felt so helpless to do anything for Haiti so I pray. Since I cannot be there and can only contribute the little money I have, I have defaulted to my last option, prayer. Last night the Lord was like "Girl!! Prayer is always the first and best option....ALWAYS." and I was like "Lord, you're stinkin right. Forgive me. I may not be able to see the effect my prayer has but I trust You hear me and that Your will is being done in Haiti." Now I'm praying because it isn't the only option I have left, it is truly the best option.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.

Ephesians 3:20

one of my closest friends unknowingly blogged on almost exactly the same thing i did...but she is way better at communicating :) check out her blog....http://sealonmyheart.blogspot.com/ (we're going to Haiti together this summer)

What are we to do?

2010-01-16T19:23:00.000-08:00

Honestly, Sometimes I really do not understand what Jesus meant in certain parables/in things He did....but I feel as if this section of Scripture is pretty dang clear...

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
Matthew 25:34-46

Haiti

2010-01-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

Haiti has almost constantly on my heart and my mind. Every time I walk past people at school I wonder if they (we) realize what is really happening. It is so difficult to comprehend what is happening there. I know I have to continue on with life (homework, class, etc) but I feel as if it is such a lie. A lie of the reality of the pure chaos and confusion that is in Haiti. This qoute: "We see this imbalance and we amend 'that's not right, that's not fair' but all too often that's all we do, cause for us to do more is actually going to cost us something..." (and basically all of the We're All in this Together teaser) seriously sum up everything that I am, thinking, feeling, hoping, frustrated with, etc. I just don't know what to do...all I can do is seek the Lord and cry out to Him to bring His light in the utter darkness.

2010-01-03T16:59:00.000-08:00

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:31-33

Okay seriously. I wonder how many times have I skimmed over this passage and been like, oh how pleasant, that is just so comforting and just so nice. Last night was the first time when I was like, "wow, okay...WOW!" I thought of how American Christianity (includes me) so reflects our culture in the things we "run after". We eat out consistently, we buy bottled water and coke constantly, we shop often enough to have a new wardrobe at least every year. We are not seeking first His Kingdom, we are seeking first our own desires. We are so conforming rather than transforming. I take my own situation and needs into my own hands. Yet, how freeing and redeeming is it to cast all my cares on my Jesus. huhhh.....wow. So freeing indeed, not easy (that's for dang sure), but so worth it.

Jesus give me strength to cast all my worries on You. I know in the depths of my being that You know what I need, You are what I need. Bring Your strength and love to the broken, hungry and weary. You will provide for their needs O' Lord because You promise it. Turn our eyes upon You.

2009-12-30T23:44:00.000-08:00

By Gracious Powers by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

By gracious pow'rs so wonderfully sheltered
And confidently waiting come what may,
We know that God is with us night and morning
And never fails to greet us each new day.

Yet is this heart by its old foe tormented,
Still evil days bring burdens hard to bear;
O give our frightened souls the sure salvation
For which, O Lord, you taught us to prepare.

And when this cup you give is filled to brimming
With bitter suffering, hard to understand,
We take it thankfully and without trembling
Out of so good, and so beloved a hand.

Yet when again, in this same world you give us
The joy we had, the brightness of your sun,
We shall remember all the days we lived through
And our whole life shall then be yours alone.

a light has dawned

2009-12-24T20:10:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. I love the time to be able to rest, spend with family, and remember the incredible gift of our gracious Savior. This Christmas, my mind has been often occupied by the fact that there are many who are broken, enslaved, orphaned, lonely this Christmas day and continually there after. How can this be? How is this fair that I am enjoying my strawberry-rhubarb pie and stocking candy while watching It's a Wonderful Life with my family while there are millions starving and orphaned and billions who are in darkness? I am so so thankful for all I have been blessed with, but does my thankfulness give me an excuse to feel lucky and forget about the least of these? Can I excuse all that I have as a part of my culture?

....it doesn't all make sense but I trust You...I trust You.

Lord, don't ever make my heart content to live a life of apathy and comfort. No matter how much my heart aches I don't want to live another way. Jesus, break my heart for what breaks Yours, because all I am is for You and for Your Kingdom. O Lord may you hold the broken, weary, and heavy laden tight in Your arms, bring them Your peace, Your light, and Your hope.

Isaiah 9:2

The people walking in darkness

have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of the shadow of death

a light has dawned.

Merry Christmas,

Unto us a child is born...

The Pursuit of God

2009-12-21T19:31:00.000-08:00

"When religion has said its last word, there is little we need other than God Himself. The evil habit of seeking God-and effectively prevents us from finding God in full revelation. In the and lies our great woe. If we omit the and we shall soon fin God, and in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been secretly longing." -A.W. Tozer

yup. that went straight to my prideful little heart. i cannot change me, i cannot change others.

seek Jesus, seek Jesus, seek Jesus.

finals.

2009-12-14T19:11:00.001-08:00

Today i was reminded of how blessed i am to be in school. More than that, to be a girl at a university...wow...rare. Thank you Jesus for this blessing. I hope that each day as I wake up and go to class, the orphans and oppressed of this world are on my heart. So that I might remember why the Lord has called me here and now. If I am focusing so much on my future I will miss the Kingdom completely. I need to be able to see and go to the need in my own back yard before I can go galavanting to Africa. O Lord may I trust you here, now.

2009-12-12T12:14:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 30:7-9

"Two things I ask of you, O LORD;
do not refuse me before I die:

Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, 'Who is the LORD ?'
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God.

2009-12-08T01:42:00.000-08:00

25min of beauty.

Ethiopia - October 09 (larger) from Life in Abundance on Vimeo.

i've been trying to sleep for like the last 3 hours. i just can't fall asleep. it is quite interesting how much random stuff can fill one's mind in that long of silence. my eyes are tired but my brain won't stop. skipping my 8:00 fo sho! many things won't leave my mind, like what the Lord has for me in this upcoming year (which i feel as if it is going to be way beyond what i could ever expect). another thing weighing heavily on my mind--well mostly my heart--is the plight of orphans and the responsibility of Jesus followers. kids, youth and young people in poor countries as well as here in the US. i am just appalled by our (the church's) late and continued slow response to the problem of broken families. this isn't about criticism, but challenge. i can't claim to have this whole issue/response figured out either, cause i flippin don't. i'm 22, single, in college. i can support in giving but i can't "technically" do much tangibly...i think? i can continue to spend time with kids in my neighborhood in Minneapolis and be an example of Christ to them...with the hour or two i have every other week. the disgustingly ugly truth is that the overwhelming majority of my time, is still spent on me. on what homework i have, on what i feel like doing for the weekend, on what i want to do with my 3 hours in between classes, on what i want for Christmas...even though i claim to want to buy needy kids a few chickens or something, you know i still really want the Chronicles of Narnia movies, and they are spiritually uplifting to me so i'll let it fly. I am a basket case of endless selfishness. Maybe that is why Jesus wants me to surrender all i am to Him? not that it takes me two seconds to pray a little Jesus prayer and i'm freeeee from my nasty bondage. nope, its not like that...it's absolutely agonizing...totally and utterly unnatural...but there is no alternative. i cannot stay who i am and expect my life to reflect the chatter of my flippantly holy mouth. nope, i have to choose the path of heartbreak...to see the world as it is, utterly fragmented. the weird and kind of crazy thing is is that there is peace and joy on that road, for we discover what we are really (real as real as real) meant for...bring honor and glory and praise by choosing to immerse ourselves in the brokenness of us all, the people of this world because there is Hope.

Christmas can [still] change the world

2009-12-06T14:40:00.000-08:00

i just love what Advent Conspiracy has been doing. it just makes sense. when i watch this video i remember how i am so often deceived on what the meaning of Christmas is.

"O Emmanuel, Jesus Christ,
desire of every nation,
Savior of all peoples,
come and dwell among us."

i'm trying this again

2009-12-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

Even though I don't often have time to write down my thoughts, much less the words to describe them, I want to try this again. My heart is in constant overflow mode. There is so much I am trying to process, so much I am learning, and so much I don't understand. Sometimes I try to sound cool or like I know what I am doing with my thoughts all lined up and crap. Truth is my brain is scattered. Truth is I just need to spew instead of trying to neatly process a messy modge podge of brain activity. I want to share my heart with whoever chooses to listen, and maybe find a few who understand me in the process.

"everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are"

-- i don't think i can even describe what these lyrics mean when i hear them. all i can think is "holy crap that is exactly how i feel." i am trying so hard to keep my heart unhardened, despite the overwhelming brokenness that is all around in this world. orphans, broken homes, forgotten people, unjust war, bitterness, complacency. The thing that gets me is that there IS Hope...it's not like we Christians only have handouts to give....WE HAVE THE FRIGGIN HOPE OF THE WORLD! And we, I, so often don't even care.

O Jesus, may we be compelled by Your love to act, to do, to proclaim.