Here I Raise My Ebenezer

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the LORD has helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

Ebenezer means "stone of help." The large stone was placed upright as a symbol of remembrance in order that every time an Israelite would see it, they would be reminded of what the Lord had done. In essence it proclaimed...keep trusting.

The message at church on Sunday was titled "Living with a Death Clock." I know, sounds morbid....but seriously, it is so good to remember that I am going to die. To be reminded that I can live my life for me, or I can live for a Kingdom of love that is going to last forever.

But death isn't my Ebenezer (cause I haven't actually experienced it yet...just in case you were wondering). However, there should be like 187,010,985ish vertical rocks sticking out of the ground in places that I have stood, laughed, slept, ate, camped, knelt, wept, failed, obeyed, hurt, been healed, etc. There were big moments and there were lots and lots of little ones, but His faithfulness and love has never changed with each passing breath.

There has always been an ache in my heart for the plight of those in poverty, particularly in Africa. I remember the last couple months of 2009 I had this deep, unrelenting burden in my heart like I had never ever felt before. I began emailing and pursuing ministries in Uganda and Ethiopia. Nothing was happening at all, nothing. In fact, I felt as if I was trying to make something happen. I had no peace about pursuing these countries but I thought, "God, You have called me to go to Africa and so I am going to make it happen." In mid-December I gave up trying to make plans and was quite confused, but the burden never left. 

Then the earthquake happened. I can't describe to you how it tore me up...so I won't try. All I know is that I heard the Lord whisper, "This is why I have been burdening you." I could barely get myself to function for a few weeks after the earthquake. All that was my life now seemed incredibly pointless compared to the suffering the people of Haiti were facing.

After that little baby whisper from the Lord, my heart felt at peace about pursuing going to Haiti that summer. I know, I know...deep burden and peace at the same time doesn't make sense...but it happened, I swear. Because of its geographical location thousands upon thousands of people were wanting to get into to Haiti to help (or steal children or whatever). The orgs down there were flipping SWAMPED with people parading as heroes (I'm not above this sarcastic statement). 

I was some random college kid who had never been to Haiti, didn't know the language and had nearly zilch connections there. I am proud to say that I knew that Haiti existed before the earthquake. However, I am not proud to say I never EVER considered it. HELLO...I was called to Africa!!! Wayyyy more legit.

I'll make a DANG LONG STORY short. I ended up living in Haiti for three months that summer at a little organization I didn't know existed six months before. Now I am on freaking staff at that little organization!!! 

Okay so, there's my Ebenezer. Just one story out of many.

And that's the thing about facing the fact of death. It makes me want to LIVE, not just stay in a place of safety and comfort out of fear. I am being plucked out of a life of mediocrity and regret! Praise the Lord God Almighty!!

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;

hither by thy help I'm come;

and I hope, by thy good pleasure,

safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

wandering from the fold of God;

he, to rescue me from danger,

interposed his precious blood.

I'm 'bout to be real with you...where I'm at

The reality that I am "giving up" my life here is beginning to hit me. I finally found an (in-freaking-credible) Christian community to be a part of/people I would love to "do life with" but that I have to give up less than 3 months after finding it....

Then there's campfires and s'mores, sitting by the lake, watching fireworks with friends, laying in the green summer grass, tubing and pontoon rides, grabbing a late night ice cream cone and french fries with girlfriends, being within an hour and a half drive from my best friend, having a car, having friends to come over and watch a movie, etc, etc, etc....these things/moments will no longer be a part of my life. Friends and family will still be a part of my life, but in a radically different way.

I'm sentimental. I LOVE traditions. I love that I am able to have common experiences to share with people that I care deeply about.  I got incredibly pissed at my parents when they started putting up a faux Christmas tree rather than dragging us all to the little corner house in the middle of Appleton, WI that used its half acre lot to sell trees. I wanted to go back to that place and remember, together, not just the memories we had on that property, but the memories we had in our living room around all those genuine, sap excreting pine trees. 

I know there will be new traditions, new friends and mentors, new memories...but the new will never replace the old. I am excited for those new things to come into my life, but right now I am beginning to mourn what I have known.

All this angst, mourning, and reflection has left me asking some questions....

Did I seriously choose to move my life to Haiti? What am I thinking? Do I realize what I am getting myself into?

1. I simply obeyed...with excitement, anticipation, trembling, and ignorance (like an "I would chicken out if I really knew what I am getting myself into" sort of ignorance)....all because of a big, fat heavy burden and a Kingdom that I can't shake. 

2. I guess I kind of romanticized the whole idea of "losing your life so you can find it" and the Lord took me up on my raised hand. (Again, ignorance really is bliss)

3. I still don't really know what in the heck I am getting myself into...but my Papa does. This summer has been a constant reminder that He is still ordering my steps and that He is taking care of me and preparing me to be a wounded healer.

All this crap ^^ is stuff that I deeply know is true....

Yet fear and lies are often flooding my mind. I didn't realize how much fear/shame/insecurity/ugliness was raging in my heart until it started oozing out this past month. The Lord is pulling away at a big hunk of weeds in my heart, uprooting all of that fear/shame/etc. 

I am learning how to fix my eyes on Him, how to fully trust Him, how to know Him more intimately, how to just be with Him. I know my Jesus loves me, but I often still fear that He will abandon me or that I am not desirable to Him. I know He is safe, but I usually trust in my own strength. I know He has washed me clean, but I allow shame to cover me like a thick cloud.

This summer I am not just learning how to claim His truths over all these lies...I am learning to legitimately WALK IN THOSE TRUTHS (even when I'm neck deep in mucky lies). How to walk with my gaze fixed on Him, with my heart founded in His love, healing, and affirmation.

It is so dang easy to say crap that sounds dang good (that I am seriously sincere in saying at times) and then I begin to have to live what I said. For example, "I surrender God...for reals...take all of me!!" "I want to be refined, make me like you Father" "I'll go wherever You want me to go!!" "Teach me to love like You" "I want to know You more intimately" "I want deep, growing relationships" 

Okay seriously...the Lord answers these feel good/sound good/sincere prayers, but it is PAINFUL. HOLY CRAAAAP! It isn't like God is making me feel this pain to teach me a lesson...I'm realizing it's my sin and its affects that are so flipping nasty. He not only has to dig up and heal the wounds I have have received from others, but open my eyes to how I am wounding.

When the Lord asked me to spend the summer focusing on Him and resting I guess I should have known what was coming. It's good....tough, but good.

Your spirit inside me holds me close
In your wonderful presence I let go
I cleanse my hands, You burn my heart
I cry out for love, You set me apart...
For I know You are faithful, my God

I will extol the LORD at all times;
   his praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the LORD;
   let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me;
   let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
   he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
   their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
   he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
   and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the LORD is good;
   blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. 
Psalm 34:1-8