The Dichotomy of Love

For different reasons I have been kind of vague and short in most of my blog posts. My lack of ability to put my thoughts/feelings into words has been an issue as well as the fact I don't really know what my thoughts/feelings are (at least in the deep/un-cliche sense). Yes, I have learned so so much and am forever in love with this place, I have questioned and felt deep sorrow, I have seen hope, I have seen reasons to give up. There is truly truly truly no way to express to you all that Haiti is. I hope to continue to give you snippets of this beautiful place and how the Lord has been working and is working in the hearts of the people.

Wherever I go it is the children that grip my heart the most. It's not something I go looking for, it just hits me like a freight train. Haiti has been no different. Well, maybe it has been very different. The Rescue Center, for one, is a very extreme place. These kids are the worst of the worst and some aren't so cute or cuddly. It's really hard to love a kid who has horrendous amounts of diarrhea and who knows what kind of contagious illnesses. Believe me, it's really really difficult.

When I was in Uganda I remember a moment of epiphany. There was a baby sitting on my lap who was half naked, dirty and stinky and a girl named Maureen who was about nine who was mentally disabled because of a high fever from Malaria when she was younger. Her hands were ridden with scabies (or something that gave her blistering wounds) and she would constantly want to be held onto, so she would wrap herself around my waist. She wasn't the only "unlovely" kid, but she was the clingiest.

Maureen:

 I remember sitting there and suddenly realizing.... when Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14) He was probably welcoming and loving kids like Maureen. They were most likely kids who had never worn shoes, who hadn't bathed in a while, who didn't have the convenience of modern medicine to get rid of whatever was eating away at their skin. Why was I giving a crap about getting scabies? This little girl needed to be loved, she needed to be held and kissed. It wasn't about Jess Lehman loving her...it was about Jesus being present in my love. In my putrid, dirty state He comes to me, He welcomes me, He loves me.
Fast forward two years to Haiti. Same kind of kids (no, I'm not saying all these poor, black kids are so gross...I'm saying poverty doesn't allow for the same amenities that we take for granted). That kind of epiphany is not something that is easy to act upon once it is realized. It is a struggle to keep that heart each and every day....especially when seeing these kids becomes a regular part of life. That is one of the reasons why Haiti has been different, I have been here a lot longer. I stayed in the village in Uganda for less than two weeks and I will have been here a total of three months, which is not that long either, but it isn't so "love-really-a-lot-for-two-weeks-and-then-peace-out...i'll-remember-you-forever-but-never-see-you-again". It's like a mini marathon...how to I pace myself to love so I don't get burnt out and how do I love deeply and hurt without completely shutting down or building up walls. Basically it come down to "holy crap, I can't do this on my own, LORD HELP!"
That's how it has been different I think (as I sit here trying to process this all as I type away), these months have allowed for more time to get to know these precious kiddos, as well as for being overwhelmed and, in turn, shutting down. It's this great dichotomy...they are incredibly easy to love and yet overwhelmingly hard to love.

With all that said, I don't know how I could do anything else in my life but live each day striving to love others and my Jesus more and more (as difficult as it is). Anything else seems so empty and very temporary. I desire to impact eternity, even if my impact is the size of one mustard seed among numerous watermelons.

Here is a taste of the transformation that takes place here:

Jacksson

Millien

Jeowel

Loner

Gerard

Peterly

Marlene

A few more from the RC

bon nwit timoun yo. mwen renmen ou ajame.

meltdowns:

Daniel

Simon

Wiline

and some cute ones

Nono (yes, that's his real name)

Andreline

Hotea

(the meltdown/cute photos were taken earlier today...they're fresh off the press)

I want to leave you with the little tid-bit from Oswals Chambers...it resonates so deeply in my heart right now:

Having the reality of God’s presence is not dependent on our being in a particular circumstance or place, but is only dependent on our determination to keep the Lord before us continually...The experience the psalmist speaks of— “We will not fear, even though . . .” ( Psalm 46:2  )— will be ours once we are grounded on the truth of the reality of God’s presence, not just a simple awareness of it, but an understanding of the reality of it. Then we will exclaim, “He has been here all the time!” - My Utmost for His Highest, July 20th

This is all that I can say...

There is a David Cowder song that goes:

this is all that I can say right now
i know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

I kind of feel like this is my life right now in many aspects...I don't have many words (much less the right ones) and I don't know what to do besides to attempt to give all of me. Every day I feel like I just have to jump and let the Lord guide what I am falling towards.


Update: This is the guy who came in with his hand hanging off of his arm. It was amputated at a nearby mission and he has been coming to RHFH for dressing changes.

Update: Ojean is looking A LOT better...he has a feeding tube back in but it looks like he is going to make it.

This is Marie-Rose...her aunt brought her in to RHFH because her mom is crazy and apparently does not care for her. She was vomiting worms and everything we gave her orally for 3 or 4 days while Anna took care of her. The only thing that was keeping her alive was an IV. The problem was the IV was making her Kwashiorkor get worse. Marie-Rose passed away Tuesday evening.

This is the line for the clinic in the mornings at about 5:45am...some people sit out by the gate for more than 24hours

Baby DuDu sleeping out on the porch

Me and Anna dressed Marlene up in some workout gear and let her do her thing...she is SO HILARIOUS!

This is Sonn...one of the babies in the Rescue Center. He is definitely one of the smiliest kids I have ever met in my life!!

Some of the kids hangin' out

I love going to the RC at bed time...

Good night Rose Marie and Yverson

Good night Dielot...

Good night Jeowel and Gerard...

and good night precious Peterly...

Mwen renmen nou anpil anpil

..to be broken

My life is flying by at an incredible pace. I can't believe that 6 weeks from now I'll be back in Minneapolis. I have already started to picture my life away from this place and it has brought me to tears. I look at Marlene and wonder what her life is going to look like...will she become malnourished again once she goes home? will her fast heart rate affect the length of her life? will she even be able to attend school considering she lives in a poor family? What about the other kids in the RC...Jowel, Nachca, Amonise, Deny, Simon, Carlos, Darlens, Millien, Dohna, Rose Marie, Dielot (to name a few)...will they grow up knowing the beauty of Jesus and His drenching love?

I just wrote like 4 things and then erased them realizing that what I wrote is what I wanted people to hear. So here's the truth...I almost feel numb to the things that are happening around me. I am not sure if it is the non-stop pace of life (with so much to do yet seemingly so little time) that keeps me from processing/feeling, or if I have allowed myself to be emotionally distant, or if my lack of interaction with the Lord is hardening me...maybe a bit of each, maybe just one of those things...I am really not sure. Don't get me wrong, I am not like a hardened brick running around but my heart feels less broken (a good kind of broken...like broken for brokenness).

Things here are still amazing...I truly love it more every day. I hope that these few months here are the gateway into something long term (If God wills). I am asking the Lord to break my heart and open my eyes to what He sees when He looks down on the people in the mountains of Cazale.

One of the girls from VBS

More VBS. That is my friend Nathalie with them.

Marlene loves to give kisses!

She is such a goof!! She cacks me up ALL the time!

I know...HILARIOUS!! :)

These pictures are from tuesday...every tuesday RHFH gives out food boxes to some of the poorest families in the area (they contact local churches to ask which families in their congregations are the poorest).

One of the kids sponsored by the school sponsorship program at RHFH

Meet Lil' D (Dickson). He is the newest edition to my room. He is 3 months old and weighs the same as when he was born...6 pounds. He is like a miniature old man...I just love him to pieces!

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

To God be the glory